Yesterday
by Ninamazing
Summary: R/H, in case you couldn't figure it out. ;) GO BEATLES!! PG for one not-too-serious word. *Very* anguish-y [I hope *grin*].


**Author's Note: Sudden inspiration when I realized I hadn't songficed to the band I *ADORE*: the Beatles!! John Lennon and Paul McCartney's utter genius and amazing talent created the song 'Yesterday,' so honor them. ;) And if you ever see a graphical novel called V for Vendetta and you're over fourteen, read it. It may take a few pages to get into the story, but once you're in, you can't get out. =D Special thanks to the authors for teaching me the best way to use the word "voyeur." LOL!! E/r/r.**

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_Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away___

Laughing and chattering with you yesterday, joking and wondering who you were taking to the ball, was wonderful ... I could almost pretend that you'd finally answer me, saying, "You, my darling, you, only you, will have the first dance. Who else?" You'd laugh, and the sound would be so beautiful that it would send every nearby lifeform reeling.   
Yes, they'd all worship you, but I would be the only one who really loved you ... who was friends with you, who knew you, who willed to you from the beginning my pitiful appearance down to the darkest secrets of my heart. From the surface to the depths ... it's all yours.

_Now it looks as though they're here to stay___

And we were really getting there too. I was beginning to believe ... I was beginning to believe that you might love me, as foolish as it might sound. I was beginning to believe that we could walk into a room together with our hands clasped, or that you could sit and watch a Quidditch game with my arm around your shoulders and lean comfortingly against it. I was beginning to think that we would trespass the border, and that our love could extend beyond words ... and that we could just be, and know that our lives would forever be locked, twined, bound, blissfully together.__

_Oh I believe in yesterday_

I let myself believe ... "how stupid," you must have thought, when you remembered later. "How childish."   
I can hear your voice say the words, even now. But I cannot hear the voice that responds; I cannot see the foreign arms that hold you, cannot imagine the eyes that watch you with another longing look, cannot condone another mouth that kisses you. I thought you were my own, my darling, I thought we could live together in the kingdom of Heaven, the house of comfort, the empire of devotion. And since I cannot bear to see that blown away, I try, oh, desperately I try, to wipe the awful reality from my mind, my heart, my soul, to cleanse myself of evil, to have hope once more.__

_Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be___

Don't you understand? You have reduced me to a wraith of what my former self was, you have crushed my entire being down to the dust that coats the ancient halls of Hogwarts, and still, still, I love you. Like a faithful pet I continue to look up with utmost admiration, to follow you and beg to stay with you, to hang onto your every word, to adore what I can never have.   
Suddenly my only function is to be a silent voyeur, to look on in helpless despair and eternal fear that life will never hold for me what it was meant to hold; that even though my existence will continue, it will be forever tainted, and I will always be grieved with the shame and terror of loss.__

_There's a shadow hanging over me_

I listen to your echoes now because I have forgotten how to live any other way; I remember the old times because I can't comprehend the new. I don't know how, how, how, anybody could have taken you away from me when we were so inseperable, when we were so destined, yet I'm almost glad I can't understand why you were willing to go.   
Every time I look at the world my eyes are darkened just a little more; and darling, someday I will wake up and all I will see will be black.__

_Oh yesterday came suddenly___

I live, I hang, dependent on those memories: the day you first smiled at me, and all the smiles that followed; the day you first complimented me, and all the compliments that followed; the day we first worked together, and all the collaborations that followed ....   
We fought, yet playfully. We understood each other in a way that I'm sure no people have ever understood themselves before - so tell me, how was it broken? And how can I right it?__

_Why she had to go I don't know___

I don't care, either. It does not matter to me whose fault it was, what sparked it; I would go without that knowledge for eternity if I could have you, lovely soul. If you could have me. I would be ignorant and incurious all my life if you would love me that way.   
But I know you wouldn't, and that's just it. Isn't it so?__

_She wouldn't say___

What hurts the most is that you no longer even speak. I want to cry out, to appeal to some divine spirit, some unshakable will, but nobody answers. Who would ever care, except you?   
I was so grateful to the world, I blessed everything, I reveled in my joyous existence because I knew you nursed your loving sense of concern. You fussed over me about doing my homework, you fussed over me about paying attention in class, you fussed over me about staying out of trouble, and I enjoyed every second of carrying out your desires, just because you asked.__

_I said something wrong___

Now I'm praying, hoping, wishing, waiting, loving, forever redeeming myself for any harsh word, any heartless glare, any sharp exclamation, any arrogant dismissal. In return for my sins, my darling, I will live every minute of my life millions of times over, I will do any favor at any time, I will always be waiting humbly should you need a kind word, a soft caress, and I will never leave your side for one heavenly moment.   
It's the best I can do.__

_Now I long for yesterday___

Can I borrow your time-turner, my dearest? I want to switch back to the eleventh September of my life and redress every wrong, relive every second, rewrite every story, replay every scene, and redo the love that should have been. Can I do that, love? Can I save us? Can I repay the endless debts I owe you?   
Maybe we were both at fault .. but if you let me start over, if the world can light up again, if things can really be that way, I solemnly promise on everything that I am to love you wholly and completely and fully, and to let both of us be. Together.__

_Yesterday love was such an easy game to play___

You wouldn't believe it, dear heart, but I spun delightful pictures in my head ... my twisted head, my fickle heart ... Just seeing you would bring a smile to me: you don't think so? My eyes would have told you everything you needed to know. Trust me.   
When I saw you, I'd remember that I'd longed for Heaven the night before, and realize peacefully that now ... I had it.__

_Now I need a place to hide away___

And now every time I see you, I see him; and I just want to hide. I'm not famous, I'm not glamorous - and hell, I'm not even the nice person he is. So every time I see you two, the thought strikes me: how could I ever think that I was worth it for you? I can hardly keep my face from turning red - you know it's prone to that - when I think ... here he is, providing you with everything you need, and I'm just the loser standing off to the side. I'm the one to laugh at, to pity because I didn't understand, to shake your disapproving heads at because I was so stupid. Because I made a mistake.__

_Oh I believe in yesterday___

But it wasn't a mistake before ... before it was the most incredible revelation. Before, it was total, enveloping fulfillment - every molecule in my body was charged with excitement and a fresh energy stemming from all my wishes coming true. It was too much to take it at one go; I was just slipping into the shoes of bliss before the ground fell beneath me and I lost them.__

_Why she had to go I don't know___

Is there anything I didn't give you? Anything I could have done better? Every morning as I wake up, every night as I go to sleep, and all the time in between, I constantly wonder what could have been, and analyze every note, every syllable of what we said. I remember the exact facial expressions, the quirks in the eyes that betrayed the deepest feelings, the slight twitch at the corners of the mouth that left me starving for the whole smile, and then I remember what wasn't said and I fall apart into tiny, tiny pieces, and I feel the light breaking and the pictures fading and the sounds breaking and the shadows coming ...__

_She wouldn't say___

I am silent, you are silent. We venture alone in the corridors, rooms, chambers, and halls where we used to grin, whisper, smile, chat, swat at each other, play "made-you-look," and the titanic reminders won't let us go. Our lungs are being squeezed, darling, slowly squeezed until there is no air left to breathe, and no matter how much effort we expend, the excitement of the new day will gradually wear away and soon there will be no joy in seeing each other. The endless chain has started, and I am struggling desperately against the unforgivable tidal wave of inevitability that says our love, our secret pleasure, our neverending trust and loyalty, will mutate into enmity, transform into bitter hate. No talking. No answers.__

_I said something wrong___

Guilt rules my emotions, I have to admit to you. I feel I've thrown away my only chance. I suppose sometimes blissful opportunity knocks only once, and you can open the door, lead it inside, show it around, offer it a snack, but if you let one careless blunder slip out, it's gone. You're left blind in your own home, and suddenly you don't know how to open the door anymore. You are lost, lost in yourself, and the only thing you know is that you will never get out of the hideous maze, the endless circle. You are imprisoned forever.__

_Now I long for yesterday___

I need a quiet word, I need a tender touch. I need a sweet and gentle hand to stroke my hair and whisper to me that I was not wrong, that it was never a mistake. It was always meant to be ... I can almost hear you say it, love. And you sound like an angel ... beautiful and forgiving. Your very presence gives the mangiest, most unlucky, rejected beggars an enchanting hope, and suddenly they find themselves living a new, wonderful daydream that never ends. Your approving nod, your searching, cautious, knowing eye, your mysterious, unpredictable lips that say whatever they feel and smile the smile that melts the world ... they amaze everyone.   
And to think - it's incredible - you used to devote yourself to me alone.__

_Yesterday love was such an easy game to play___

At first, you thought you weren't appreciated, weren't accepted. Remember? You cried in the bathrooms and gave yourself up to your schoolwork, your only salvation. You were too clever to let yourself fall into the bottomless pit of despair, to be completely broken, and yet your spirit was dulled for a time.   
But then you grew into a lovely, lively, accomplished, flourishing person .. and I was proud to know you, honored to know that I had been right about you, the diamond in the rough. At first it was just a few who knew you for who you really were, and now it's everybody. They all realize that you're shining now. So do you abandon your original, steadfast friends? Do you give up on your truest love?__

_Now I need a place to hide away___

Maybe you just don't know how much you're loved, sweetheart. Maybe I just didn't show you, didn't tell you enough. Didn't make it clear to you that you were the ruling factor in my life, the one person I could always count on, the one person that I could never imagine forgetting. Do you know, there's nothing that fulfills me more than bringing you on a silver platter everything your heart desires.   
I'm still your endless servant, dear one. Any day you want me before you, down on bended knee, just dream of me and I will come. Just let me know when you remember ... just let me know when you think back to my freckled face.__

_Oh I believe in yesterday ...___

Just let me know.   



End file.
